Amazed & Confused

Learning to tell the story

"Where and how you begin the story, and where and how you end the story, shape and determine what story you're telling." Rob Bell

I'm two teachers into my new season on studying the art of preaching and teaching and both Jon Ortberg and Rob Bell have given me much to think about.  January to March has been a busy season of sharing and speaking for me as I've prepared and taught more than I have before and felt like I am embarking on another steep learning curve. 

Three or four years ago I realised that if I wanted the honour of speaking to people about Jesus then I needed to tame my gab and feed my heart and mind.  After taking a year and a half hiatus from speaking to study a bit and pray I dove back in with a new passion and a real joy in God's word.  (Wow - there was I time I never thought I'd say that!)

A few years on I feel I've made a good stab at implementing the things I've been learning and focussing on and I'm feeling a renewed season of focus and stretching is needed.  I'm seeking out resources!  Anyone got any?  

I started with Jon Ortberg's sessions on Crafting Life Changing Messages (lots of food for thought!) and now I'm working my way through Rob Bell's Poets & Preachers videos.  (Absolutely brilliant!)  I have such a long way to go, and so much to learn… but I want to be a courageous encourager to my Revs church family and others I get to hang out with. 

As I look afresh at my study life, the way I approach messages and my identity as a daughter in God I am so grateful that I get to do this.  I never want to lose sight of what an honour and joy it is. 

Stream of consciousness / update over.  If anyone has any suggestions of books or speakers who could stretch and shape me on the topic of preaching and teaching I'd love to hear about them in comments :)

We are what we eat...

We are what we eat, what we buy, what we consume. That’s how it goes right? What you obtain, what you invest in, where your heart dwells and where you spend your time… these are the things that shape and disciple us. Physically, emotionally, mentally… but how do we know when the things we consume begin to consume us?

Today much of the Western Church embarks on Lent, a journey toward Easter. An annual rhythm that challenges our role as consumers at the centre of a service orientated society. A time of denial and self-control. The season to stop, breathe and ask ourselves the question: what and whom am I living for?

“Get ready the road for the Lord.” John 1:23

I have an eclectic church background; before finding my community I sampled a selection of the flavours the wider Church has to offer. My current church doesn't make a big deal of lent. We’ve not rejected it we simply don’t closely follow any traditional church calendar. However, observing lent is a habit I picked up young and has stuck with me. When I dive into the season I’ve found that God gives to me more than I ever give up for Him.

“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.” Matthew 4:1-2

What do I hunger for?

Mimicking Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness, I’ve joined many in fasting, praying and facing big questions and temptations. Each year God reveals something new in my character or faith journey. In my early twenties fasting make-up gave God room to talk with me about my worth and value. Last year when I gave up music on my daily commute He opened my eyes to the ways I shut myself off from the world around me. When I fast from food, and my stomach grumbles, “Lord, teach me to hunger for your presence” has skipped off my lips.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, 
so my soul pants for you, O God. 
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
When can I go and meet with God?” Psalm 42:1-2

This morning millions will have woken to a new fast, preparing hearts and minds to walk through death and into life and hope on resurrection Sunday. Be it a challenge to give something up or the establishment of a new holy habit, we’re examining our hearts and minds and inviting the light of Jesus shine in our darkness…

“Lent is the time for trimming the soul and scrapping the sludge off a life turned slipshod. Lent is about taking stock of time, even religious time. Lent is about exercising the control that enables us to say no to ourselves so that when life turns hard of its own accord we have the stamina to yes to its twists and turns with faith and hope… Lent is the time to make new efforts to be what we say we want to be.” Sister Joan Chittister

In an individualistic world, lent is a corporate act of humility that looks to Jesus and says; “I want to love you more than myself.” Whether you follow the Western or Eastern Church rhythms, or if like me you’re from a stream that doesn’t jump into lent, why not consider engaging in the pre-Easter journey in 2012. Lent is just an excuse… it’s unimportant when you start, end or how you calculate 40 days. The journey from now to Easter is an opportunity; an invitation and all are welcome…

As I embark on this year’s fast I find myself drawn to balance my denial with delight, my fasting with feasting. This Lent as I open one hand and let go of something for a time, I stretch out the other take hold of a new rhythm. From today to Easter Sunday I, like thousands of others, will be consuming the gospel of John in prayer.

Join the 24-7 Prayer community as we make 5 minutes, for 40 days to walk through the life of Jesus. Subscribe to the 24-7 Spaces podcast and watch short devotional videos hosted by people caught up in this movement.

This week launches with Pete Greig sharing from John chapter 1. Find out more and watch the latest videos here.

“Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; 
be merciful to me and answer me. 
My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ 
Your face, Lord, I will seek.” Psalm 27:7-8

Moments captured in the aperture of the mind

Today I opened a new journal... I'd set aside the practice last summer but it's been calling to me so I return to it again.  There's a lot happening right now.  Lots on my mind.  Good things, great things, things to make decisions about.  I don't want to lose the big picture so have turned to marking pages with streams of conscious to capture every aspect of what lies ahead.  It gave me peace...

Often I marvel at where God/life/choices have taken me.  As I emailed a 24-7 Prayer Room in the Dominican Republic I stopped to wonder how on earth we became connected.  Where did they find out about 24-7 Prayer?  What made them pray?  This movement never stops moving :)

The photo above was a beautiful moment in a rather hectic week.  Chris (the camera man), Scot (taking the photo) and I found ourselves on West Witterings beach at sunset.  We were filming an episode of the 24-7 Spaces podcast for this lent.  The bleak vista and an amazing passage from John combined to make the moment beautiful.  How did I end up there?  How come I get to do this?  I am so grateful.

If I don't capture these moments in the aperture of my mind they would pass by with little appreciation of their worth.  Journalling, blogging, conversing - they make me grateful.  Looking back, around and ahead I know that there's much that's happened I need to remember and much yet to be done that I must consider.  

Here's to today, a fresh page and a poised pen...

End of the world as we know it?

"As 2012 dawns many are speculating about what the next 12 months will bring. Some look ahead with hope, others with fear, as this year seems to be one of the most anticipated and discussed since the turn of the millennium. So what’s ahead of us: more financial turmoil, political change, spiritual transformation, the end of the world, or something else? Should we all stock up on tinned goods and start digging shelters, or could there be signs of hope and faith: God’s Kingdom on the move..."

This is the opening paragraph of a little article I've been musing on this week.  I wrote for the 24-7 Prayer tribes and if you're interested you can read on here.

Has prayer been feminized? My thoughts.

This morning I switched on my tweetdeck to read this post from the lovely Brian Heasley:

"Anyone else ever worry that prayer has become overly feminized http://brianheasley.blogspot.com/2011/09/feminized-prayer.html I posted some thoughts @247prayer"

Brian is a brilliant blogger, I've been reading his Curious in Ibiza musings for many a year and I love how he can take a topic and stir up a bit of debate.  The one he's hit on today is an interesting one and mirrors my thoughts from this past weekend particularly.

Fundamentally I agree with Brian's concern.  Within European circles there do seem to be a lot more chicks than blokes involved in leading and taking part in prayer.  (I don't think this is true in other continents but let's limit this to a close to home discussion.) I do lead the prayer team he mentions and he's right over the years we've had two (amazing) guys and seven women involved.  This is actually been something of a concern for us and though we've actually sought to include more men we've found that difficult.  It's not that there aren't many men with deep prayer lives, more often that their primary energy in serving and leading is channeled elsewhere.  For example the corresponding 24-7 Communities team is all male.  

Are women drawn to prayer and men drawn to community leadership?  Is the trend a gender or cultural bias?

I think there is an element of what you see is what you replicate. Though many streams of the church have embraced female leadership in the last century there seem to be more men that women leading in this context.  Could women be more involved in prayer because we've lacked male champions to point the way for their peers?

Now I am speaking in very broad generalisations because I actually know a lot of very prayerful men.  Ian Cole, Etienne Piek, Pete Grieg (the leader of 24-7 Prayer!) and Brian himself (to name four of many) have led the way in this area.  I think men can and do have deep personal prayer lives and many in my community meet regularly to pray with one or two other guys. But, as I said, in general and in my own community experience, corporate prayer does seem more regularly and eagerly engaged with by women than men.

Why?

Sorry Brian I don't think it has to do with women traditionally staying at home or men going to work and the time that potentially gives you. (All the home Mums I know are very busy women!) 

I think style has something to do with it.  As our church circles have moved more in creative and contemplative prayer we may arguably not have considered both genders in our approach.  I've generally found that extreme and active prayer times attract a more balanced cross-section of the genders, where as our regular prayer breakfast has a ratio of about 2-1, women to men. 

What do you guys think?  I take this issue very seriously as it's something I really want to see change.  Do you think there is an imbalance in the genders in prayer?  Do you have any inklings as to why? What could we do to make it more open for all? (Read Brian's original blog post here.)

Ten years since the towers fell

What can you write on a day like today?  What can you say about that day ten years ago when millions of people held their breath and watched in shock at an attack and a catastrophy unfold, live, before our eyes. Has the world changed since the 9th September 2001?  

My good friend Scot is writing a piece for 24-7 Prayer on what's happened since 9/11 and how the world has been impacted.  To help him collate his thoughts he sent me a many others three questions.  I wanted to mark this day somehow, but I wasn't sure how... so, here they are; my answers.  If you're able why not tell me yours in the comments...

1. The world is reminded almost daily that everything changed 10 years ago with the terrorist attack on America. What were you doing when you first saw the news broadcasts what was your response and what changed for you that day? 

I was in the 24-7 Prayer office in Chichester. We were just a small team then, unaware of how far this movement would spread. I was volunteering in my free time whilst studying at Chichester University. A friend walked into the office and told us the news. We were so shocked, it didn't feel real. I headed home and many of our friends gathered in our living room to watch the news.

2. What if anything has changed over the last 10 years with regard to Prayer movements and initiatives? have you seen or sensed an increase in prayer in the church nationally, in your region and around the world?

I don't know if it's connected but there has been such an acceleration in prayer across the globe in the last ten years. At the celebration for the Global Day of Prayer last year I was amazed by the number of movements that have sprung up throughout the last decade. God has called us to pray. It may look, sound and feel a little different from place to place, generation to generation, but there seems to be no doubt the heart is the same. We need him. The world needs him. We must pray.

3. Jesus said 'blessed are the peacemakers' looking forward to the months and years ahead what can we do to become bringers of peace to a world in conflict?

I think the key to peace is love, so the question I'm challenged to ask is "What does love look like?" Love is more than a word, an idea, a command, it's the pivot around which Jesus asks us to centre our lives. When faced with tragedy, with someone who's hurt us, with a need, or a thanks, or an opportunity, we can ask... What does loving prayer look like here? What does loving action look like now?

It takes courage to have hope

Prepare yourself for a random stream of thought... Courage, hope, life and compassion are the themes rummaging around in my head this week.  On Sunday I'm speaking to my community, Revelation Church, on Jesus' words,

"I am the resurrection and the life." John 11:25.  

It's an incredible passage.  Jesus arrives to find that someone he loves (Lazarus) has died and in verse 35, the shortest verse in the Bible, it says that "Jesus wept."  Jesus... wept... Jesus who went on to raise Lazarus to life... who knew the future hope... who had the power... stopped and wept in present pain.

Pain and Joy. Loss and hope. Death and Life. 

We each live with these opposites everyday.  You don't have to look far to see the promise of life in a new born baby or a relationship reconciled.  You don't also have to look very far to see brokeness, injustice, depression, disconnection...  The kingdom of God is here; and it's fullness is yet to come...

People living with the eternal perspective of resurrection life have to be able to be comfortable with paradox.  How do we keep sight of Jesus, of the hope and life he offers?  How do we remain courageous hope-rs even in the face of apparent failure or death?  

I WANT COURAGEOUS HOPE!  

A hope that is rooted in something deep and stable, in someone loving and good.  A hope that will carry me through life and all it has to throw at me.  Everytime I'm knocked down I want to get back up and dare to believe that things will be better, that God is moving.  I want to pray with that hope, love with that hope, live like that hope and life and love is all that matters.  I want a heart like Jesus' that can be fully present in pain but with the courage to bring life through God... 

I think that I can't talk about resurection hope without talking about brokeness and pain.  Feels a bit heavy and I'm nervous.  Lots of praying and thinking and reading to do between now and Sunday but I guess I'll get there.  If my current thoughts are headed in the right direction then God will give me a way to express them...

Hmm this all reads very negative but it's actually really positive in my head.  What use is hope if it's not needed.  There is a lot of need.  How do we live as people praying, breathing, living, bringing ressurection life here and now?  Don't hold me to this stream of thought - I reserve the right to end up going in another direction with this passage on Sunday, but here and now, its provoking some interesting conversation... x

Why do I watch Top Model?

 

If there is one programme Steve can't stand it's the Top Model franchise.  I suspect he doesn't like being in the room when it's on.  I'm pretty sure he's thinking, 'how can my reasonably intellegent wife watch this?'  I don't like to get into too much, because he lets me watch it and part of me knows he's right...

Why do I watch Top Model?

There's a part of me that knows - I LOVE the photography.  I'm constantly amazed at rediculous looking shoots can produce the most interesting and beautiful stills.  However, I'm not sure sitting through the other 45 minutes of the show is worth it.  What does it say about beauty?  On one hand it's 'be individual' - on the other the modelling industry is entirely about scrutinising appearance (hats off to anyone with a thick enough skin and strong enough self image to endure it).  Also Top Model suffers from the same blight that most reality TV shows do...

Forced conflict...

Sigh.  I was once part of a documentary.  The people who made it were lovely, good people, but even with such a positive experience I was surprised how much action and dialogue was manipulated to tell the story they're were interested in, rather than necessarily what happened.  It was an eye opener into the world of 'reality' TV and documentaries.  I guess wouldn't be surprised to discover they're all scripted and cast like dramas.  

I gave up on Big Brother years ago because I became bored with the shock tactics and editing. I've abandoned almost all reality programming but there are two I still love... America's/Britains Next Top Model and The X Factor/American Idol.  (Ok technically they're four shows but I consider them two.)

I don't want to lose all sense of fun and shallow in my life but as I sipped my soup and caught an ANTM episode this lunchtime I couldn't help wondering... is it really worth watching?  What actually happens?  If you paired it down to the part I'm interested it in would be about 15 minutes long!

So time to confess - are you a reality TV adict?  What do you watch and why?  No judgement, I'm genuinely curious.  If there is very little reality what is the draw?  Are they the 21st Century equivalent of a soap opera or is it something more insiduous? 

I believe that children aren't our future...

I've had children on my mind today for two reasons...

(Noooo... neither reason is that I'm pregnant.  Just thought I'd get that in there before I start squeals and victory dances across the UK...)

The first reason for my thought theme is that Steve and I have a gorgeous and miraculous new nephew called Milo George Harding (pictured above)!  Rushing into the world a little early (32 weeks while Mummy and Daddy were in France on Holiday!) Milo made his debut at around 3lb and is putting on weight and strength an impressive speed.  The nurses at the French hospital that Milo is currently chilling at call him their little champion as they can't believe how well he's doing.  Dad (Nick), Mum (Sarah) and Milo hope to be back in the UK in early September and I can't wait to meet him.  He looks so cuddly.   Must get him a present; hmmm... a toy frog? A stripy top? Do they make baby berets? (Ok I'm going to stop as I'm wading into the realms of light racism :)

The second reason for dwelling on children is the title of this blog.  I've had that classic song,

"I believe the children are our future..."

on mental repeat and I've decided I totally disagree with it.  Children aren't our future. They're our present.  Present is all we have.  I was thinking on this and the rising worldwide phenomena of children in prayer.  My musings led to this little post on the 24-7 Prayer Blog.  I mean every word...

"The most powerful intercessor I think I've ever seen pray, was 13 years old."  

Food for thought.

Being present: an evolving liturgy

This August my buzz word is 'presence'.  It's been on my mind.  I forget about it for a few days, maybe even a week, then something I read, pray or hear sparks the thread of 'present' thought back to life... Usually when such words and ideas persist like this it's a good idea for me to pay attention; I'm may be about to learn something.

It's amazing how a word evolves in our understanding and association.  For years of my life, to be present was to be in attendance at school,

"Carla Trundle"
"Present Miss"

It's also true that those seven little letters have represented gifts given and received.  In the last decade however the word presence has become inextricably linked in my mind with God and prayer.  It's not a new idea, (in fact it's as ancient as Eden) but I know it's key to greater quality in my relationship with Jesus...

We all have our little mantras, personal and informal liturgies that pepper our prayer lives.  A recent but persistent addition to my prayer vocabulary has been,

"Lord, make your presence felt."  

I've prayed it over my own life as well as over people, places and situations.  I quite deliberately used this line to replace my prayer of "Come, Lord," for no other reason than it struck me that He's already here; He's already everywhere. It's not His presence we're lacking, but an awareness of it.  

This idea grew.  I thought about it... then prayed it... then thought about it some more. Now I'm realising that my prayer mantra may be evolving again... I still want God to make His presence known, but I'm wondering if in most circumstances I'm approaching presence from the wrong direction.  A few weeks ago I found myself scribbling this prayer in my journal...

"Help me to live present to you."

I stared at those words... then I went over and over them in pen until they jumped out amid a page of scribbled prayers.  It felt like a break through, an epiphany.  Something I've always known but needed to recognise.  I thought back to the times in my 20s when God has felt distant and for most of them I realised that it wasn't His presence but mine that was the challenge...

Today I'm thinking about distraction, and wakefulness, and awareness.  How do I remain in attendance to God?  How do I give myself as a gift to the gift maker?

I guess it's what Brother Lawrence was getting at all those years ago, but I had to rearrange His sentence, His sentiment, the title of His writings to really get what he did.  Anyone got any ideas or tried any similar prayer experiments?  How do we remain present to God?

Being present: an evolving liturgy

This August my buzz word is 'presence'.  It's been on my mind.  I forget about it for a few days, maybe even a week, then something I read, pray or hear sparks the thread of 'present' thought back to life... Usually when such words and ideas persist like this it's a good idea for me to pay attention; I may be about to learn something...

It's amazing how a word evolves in our understanding and association.  For years of my life, to be present was to be in attendance at school,

"Carla Trundle"
"Present Miss"

It's also true that those seven little letters have represented gifts given and received.  In the last decade however the word presence has become inextricably linked in my mind with God and prayer.  It's not a new idea, (in fact it's as ancient as Eden) but I know it's key to greater quality in my relationship with Jesus...

We all have our little mantras, personal and informal liturgies that pepper our prayer lives.  A recent but persistent addition to my prayer vocabulary has been,

"Lord, make your presence felt."  

I've prayed it over my own life as well as over people, places and situations.  I quite deliberately used this line to replace my prayer of "Come, Lord." For no other reason than it struck me that He's already here; He's already everywhere. It's not His presence we're lacking, but an awareness of it.  

This idea grew.  I thought about it... then prayed it... then thought about it some more. Now I'm realising that my prayer mantra may be evolving again... I still want God to make His presence known, but I'm wondering if in most circumstances I'm approaching presence from the wrong direction.  A few weeks ago I found myself scribbling this prayer in my journal...

"Help me to live present to you."

I stared at those words... then I went over and over them in pen until they jumped out amid a page of scribbled prayers.  It felt like a break through, an epiphany.  Something I've always known but needed to recognise.  I thought back to the times in my 20s when God has felt distant and for most of them I realised that it wasn't His presence but mine that was the challenge...

Today I'm thinking about distraction, and wakefulness, and awareness.  How do I remain in attendance to God?  How do I give myself as a gift to the gift maker?

I guess it's what Brother Lawrence was getting at all those years ago, but I had to rearrange His sentence, His sentiment, the title of His writings to really get what he did.  Anyone got any ideas or tried any similar prayer experiments?  How do we remain present to God?

Suggestions please: things to do before I'm 30!

OK, I may have left this one a little late but today, with just 3 days left before I turn 30, I began to wonder if there are things I should do before I'm no longer 20something. 30 doesn't freak me out (feel like I'm catching up with most of my mates) but I have loved my 20s and fancy doing something to commemorate such a brilliant ten years.  My only challenge is I've lived a rather full decade... I have travelled extensively, fallen in love, eaten well, had many adventures and become the lead singer of a band!  What's left? I'm struggling to come up with anything achievable.

So, your suggestions are very welcome.  I have 3 days and I want a few new things to commemorate the end of one decade and the beginning of the next.  I have a three criteria:

1. They must be legal
2. They must be achievable (flights abroad are out)
3. They must be affordable

I promise to provide photographic eveidence if I take on your suggestion/challenge.  Let the fun begin!

Externally processing/praying

Sometimes I don't realise I've learned a thing until I start writing about it.  That may sound a little odd but go with me.  I had this article to write for 24-7 Prayer the last couple of weeks and if I'm honest the challenge totally daunted me: 800 words on 'How to Pray for Your Nation'.  Yikes!  I was very tempted to delegate to a wiser member of my prayer team, but a niggling voice in the back of my head told me I should give it a go... I may surprise myself...  

After a prolonged period of writers block, last week's riots here in the UK prompted a torrent of ideas.  As I actually prayed for England I had one of those 'oh yeah!' moments as I examined my own prayers.  I guess I've learned a lot from God and my friends in this global prayer movement, much without consciously realising it.  As I sat down to condense and refine the experience and lessons I had to share, it flowed relatively easy from heart, to mind, to fingers, to keyboard.  Check out my finished article here.

Readers block

The inevitable happened... I hit June and my ability to read dried up.  Ok so I can still interpret the squiggles and shapes into words and literally read... but I have lost all ability to concentrate for longer than 10 minutes on a book.  (It's been a slog to keep reading my Bible!)  Why of why can I not sustain anything regular for more than six months?  It's like my brain revolts and demands a change. 

Audiobooks and music have filled the time I previously spent cracking spines and pouring over pages. As you may have guessed, my book a week in 2011 project is slightly scuppered at present.  I got behind on posting about each title, then used up my buffer during a busy period and have now crumbled beneath the pressure of catching up.

Doh!

I have a cunning plan though.  I'm going to start actually taking lunch breaks on working days and sit in the lovely sunshine and push through my block.  I must!  If I don't read, I don't write. (Blog posting has dried up at approximately the same time my reading did.)

I'm not making myself start again for the sake of fulfilling a goal, but rather because reading (and writing for that matter) are two of the few activities that bring me to complete halt.  I cannot multi-task whilst doing either (believe me I've tried).  I cannot even have other sounds around when I'm focussing so off goes my music/podcast/conversation and on switches my creative mind.  When I turn my attention to words I am utterly faithful... I cannot divide my attention...

I guess it's not surprising then that I've found prayer and study harder for the last month as well.  Stillness is essential to awareness for me, and it's harder to achieve when I'm out of practice.  So I am resuming my reading for enjoyment, for inspiration, for rest, and for you God.  One helps the other I think... stream of consciousness over. 

London's burning...

 

In 2011 many have taken to the streets.  Across nations like Egypt, Lybia and Tunisia people have protested for change, for freedom, for political belief.  The dust is yet to settle in North Africa and the Middle East, which makes the events of the last few nights here in London seem a mockery of their struggle.  

What does it say about the soul of Britain that tonight some fight not for freedom or justice, but for Plasma TVs & cans of Red Bull?

I've sat in tears and prayer watching the breaking news on the BBC, the damage, the looting and the attacks on Police Officers and the emergency services have seemed utterly senseless.  I've ranted, I've prayed, I've felt ashamed... do we have it so easy, that we are utterly blind to what we have?  How can so many people feel entitled to take things that don't belong to them?  How can they put so many lives at risk with fire and glass?

I've read the twitter streams, watched the Facebook chatter and seen many different reactions to the London riots. Disbelief, anger, fear, solidarity and attempts to rationalise why this is happening.  Some have posed political reasons, criticising the government for the riots.  Others have talked of the parents role in the young people's actions and the effect of unemplyment.  To be honest, I mostly see our worst flaws hideously magnified as a society.  Consumerism gone mad.  A sense of entitlement, no matter what the cost to others.  Could this be the mirror we all need to readjust our cultural compass?

I've been deeply moved by the clean up efforts happening across London today.  The affected areas have been swamped by people volunteering to clear the streets.  My lovely friend Pete Greig made the above video on how we can pray from one such site.  Several other friends have written blogs about praying for London (check out Alana's and Theresa's particularly). I loved reading Andy Freeman's thoughts today... as alway's my wise friend brings the grace filled perspective considering the issue from another angle.  Well worth a look. 

So... this evening we hold our breath.  Every gaol cell in London is full, over 550 people have already been arrested and 16000 police officers are taking to the streets.  Please Lord let it end tonight. xx

My screen saver just led me in worship...

I had a bit of an issue focussing in my prayer time this morning.  I'd made the school girl error of leaving my laptop open in front of me as I attempted to focus my mind on God.  The ping of an email arriving, or the number alert on my to do list kept tempting me to abandon peace and silence and dive into the hubbub of the day. In a moment of determination/frustration I flicked on my screen saver and was stunned by the image that filled my screen...

The swirling gas of Jupiter in all it's oranges and yellows gave way to a beautiful image of the sun reflecting off the surface of the earth, gave way to a breathtaking nebula... The words of Psalm 8 ran through my mind...

"When I consider the heavens the work of your fingers, 
the moon and stars, which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?"

Suddenly it took no effort at all to think about who God is, what he's done and the pleasure I have in talking with Him.  It seemed a divine fluke that my random screen saver chose such appropriate images this morning.  If I could thank a computer programme I would. xc

Find the truth...

It's been the best part of a decade since I stopped dancing.  Not since my degree ended have I pushed myself in movement, stretched my limbs, strengthened my frame and sought to conquer not just the technicality of a movement but it's impetus.  Since I graduated the closest I come to those enjoyable years is dancing in the dark (no pun intended) across the laminated floor of my living room on a quiet night.  There's a sense/a kind of peace and connection I find in movement that I don't think I've found anywhere else.  I am not a great dancer, I once aspired to be... not for long though.  When I danced, I did not dance for prowess, I danced for sensation; expression.  It was more than enough. It didn't matter that I would never be technically good enough to pursue it professionally.

Tonight I feel elated and sad.  I've been cast back, remembering when dance absorbed my days; the satisfaction I felt at doing my best, the  challenge of pushing myself.  The joy.  This surprising introspection has been provoked by a woman, a company, a film and a pair of 3D glasses...

Tonight I saw Pina.

Pina Baucsh was a German choreographer and in my limited foray into the world of contemporary dance, she was one of my favourites.  Bausch had an incredible ability to move people, her work was amazingly truthful and surprisingly humourous (just when you least expected it).  Her company, Wuppertal Tanztheatre, are one of the most breathtaking I've seen live.  Though her work would probably be confusing and very strange to someone who wasn't familiar with the world of physical theatre, I doubt anyone could help but be mesmerised.  I myself was so taken I based my dissertation around her creative process and performance style.  I am not the first, and will certainly not be the last...

Wim Wenders film will see to that.

Pina, is a documentary.  It is a piece of art.  It is some of the most exquisite dance film I have seen.  It is a record of work.  It is a remembrance of a friend, choreographer, seeker of truth.  Quite simply, it's stunning.  Here in Chichester there was just one showing, on one night of this unique film, and I can't believe I considered not going!  Thank God I didn't go with that impulse.  Though it would probably be good on DVD, I think it was greatly enhanced on the large screen and in 3D.  (A thing I've been scornful of recently)  The 3D was so intelligently used it enhanced the experience to give you feel of an almost live experience.  In some ways it was better than live.  I feel like I just saw The Rite of Spring and Cafe Muller in an entirely new way. 

If you are at all interested in art or film or dance, I highly recommend this film.  I'll finish now and go back to my thoughts...

Journey's end, journal closed...

Thoughts, questions, prayers and pleas... rants, raves, epiphanies and ideas... doodles, notes, names and more... Since August last year one book has held all of these things.  

My mind, my heart, poured out through a fountain pen into the companion that rarely leaves my side.  As I say goodbye to one journal, and add the pens strokes that stain the pages of my new journey mate,  I feel simultaneously elated and at a loss.  The bulging dog eared pages of retiring book have talked me through much.  I don't feel ready to leave it behind.  

Yet...

I am always excited about the potential of the blank page. What next?

Have you ever wondered what would happen to your journals after you die?  I've gone back and forth on the idea of having them buried/cremated/whatever with me... they're so intimate, my life laid bare... To whose hands would I entrust them other than Steve's?

Consider the heavens...

 

I spotted this stunning video on a twitter and was mesmorised as the words of Psalm 8 ran through my mind...

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,  
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
You have made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honour."

Lake Tahoe Milky Way Night Time Lapse from Justin Majeczky on Vimeo.

It's the little things that are cheering me up today...

...like wearing this new tshirt Steve got me as a spontaneous gift... and the sun warming my arm as it streams in our bay window from the early spring sky outside...

...and my wonder woman shorts drying amidst my laundry... (I don't think I'll show you a photo of those!)  I need a little cheering today so each little thing or moment feels like a little gift, just for me, just for my smile.  Thanks God.

P.S. looking at that photo makes me feel guilty... I need time... or a window cleaner...

Who am I made to be?

Many years ago I was reading a book.  (Wow - not a very inspiring first sentence.  I read  a lot of books, but go with me on this one...)  In this book the author encouraged his readers to cultivate joy mentors - people in your life who give you energy, who make you... more you.  The phrase stuck with me. It stuck with me and it grew.  It grew and the idea got mashed together with another word, another idea...

Who are my cymbrogis... my companions of the heart?

Yesterday I was trying to slog through a whole, terrifying list of administrative tasks, but every few hours I received a welcome interruption from not one but four of the people who fall into the mashed together category of joy mentoring and heart companionship.  Some calls were practical, others philosophical, but one in particular left me with a unique feeling that only these people bring out in me.

A desire to be more myself.

That call came from my beautiful friend Charlotte.  Charlotte is unique.  There is no-one quite like her and no way to fully capture her in words.  She is a force of nature, a catalyst, a friend.  There is no holding this woman down.  Recent months have not been the easiest in her life but as we chat about our days, weeks, months and thoughts we naturally fall into encouragement, honesty and reflection.  She calls me out.  She pieces together puzzles. She reminds me of what's gone and hints at what there could be to come.  She states how God made me, the things He's put inside me and she prompts my tired mind to think in the context of eternity, hope and possibility.  Charlotte makes me more Carla.  And I think, in my own way, I make her more Charlotte.  This is a precious friendship.

At the turn of the year I was reading another book, and as I thought about the beautiful Charlotte the words of that book came to mind.  I went back through my journal until I found the place were I'd noted them down...

"In holiness we become the persons we were created to be..." Richard Foster

I love that idea - holiness is not something imposed from the outside in, not a set of rules, regulations or appearances; but a blossoming from within of the best that we are.  All I need to do is present myself to God, (just as I am, warts and all) and allow him to nurture the buds and blossoms of my heart... to call me out.  

Ah!  Another book I've read just sprang to mind... 

"Know that the Lord is God, It's He who made us, we are His..." Psalm 100:3

Oh dear... now I have Alan Partridge in my head... "Knowing me, knowing you... aha!" (This is a new low.)  The closer I get to knowing more of Jesus, the closer I get to knowing more of who I am made to be, why I'm on this earth and what I have to give.  Seems like God will use the Bible, and people, and the things I read, and the mistakes I make, all to transform me more fully into me.  What a good me to be.

Come on Colin

Sunday is the night for a certain glitzy awards show that, in my humble opinion, beats all glitzy award shows... the 83rd Academy awards... more affectionately known as the oscars.  

This is the one set of film awards that I have watched nearly every year without fail throughout my twenties.  I know it can be political, and it most certainly isn't necessarily a representation of the best cinema has to offer, but I love the red carpet, the tension and the speeches.  I have even been known to stay up through the night to watch the whole thing live.  Jumping up and down in a silent scream (because someone was sleeping in the next room) when Peter Jackson won best director is a particularly funny/fond memory.  Sadly I'm not quite so invested in this year's competition.

I've only seen five of the ten best picture nominees, and of Black Swan, Inception, True Grit, Toy Story 3 and The Kings Speech, I am totally biased and have a clear winner...

Come on Colin!  This is your year!

I will be totally gutted if he doesn't at least walk away with best actor.  I am a huge Jeff Bridges fan but he won last year and I really want our English lad to have his day in the sun.  I guess it's the only competition I'm really invested in this year.  Without much more of a pull it won't be a through the night marathon for me... more of an avoid all news, magazine and social networking outlets and watch the highlights Monday kinda year.  Do you have any favourites?

Thoughts on death

Someone died this morning… I’m sitting on my train to London, the sun streaming in the window. I’m just about to begin this morning’s Bible reading and I’ve just said ‘hi’ to God when an announcement comes over the tanoy…

“There will be some disruption to the service this morning…”

There’s been a fatality further up the tracks.

The train company are doing there best to re-route busy services to get everyone to their destination. There doing such an effective job it will actually cause us little inconvenience. This makes me sad. It’s unlikely I know the person, but their life has ended today… the way it affects the dozen or so people in this carriage is a delay, a disruption, that’s all.

It feels like it should mean more...

I wonder who that person was. I wonder what they loved. I wonder why they died. When we reach six billion people in this world, and hundreds of thousands living within your region, it’s impossible to have a large enough heart to hold them all…

Only you God have that capacity….

Please be with the family and friends the recently departed fellow inhabitant of this earth has left behind. It’s not the news I’d want to give anyone on this bright Monday morning…

Remaining Teachable

I have so much to learn.  I have learned so much.  Sometimes I have learning fatigue.  

All these statements are true.  

All of them are running through my mind as I sit in some fascinating sessions today at the Holy Trinity Brompton Leadership Conference.  I want to remain in a life long attitude of teachability, I only wish it could be motivated by something a little more comfortable than it usually is... Usually I learn because I can't, I learn because I don't know, I learn because I've been thrown in and it's sink or swim.  Maybe it's what it takes to make me stretch, to make me consider.  I am easily contented, easily satisfied and maybe God needs to shake me to reform me.  I have a hunch I'm hitting a new season of learning. Each day I feel like I'm being presented something else I need to learn, some way else I need to grow.  Deep breath... here goes...

A Year of Living Biblically - Can it be done?

 

A mate just sent me a link to this video and I found it both fascinating and funny.  AJ Jacobs is an agnostic journalist who decided to live for a year obeying every one of the hundreds of commands in the Bible.  In this TED video he tells a little of his story and what he took away from it.  I admire him - pretty hard core!  

It made me think further about my attitude to the Bible.  Do I take the Bible literally?  Or to phrase it another way, do I believe the Bible is literal?  The answer is... I don't really know.  Ummm no I don't think all of it is meant to be read literally (Is Job a play? Should that affect how we understand it?)  The more I read of this fascinating book of God's word (I'm a twelfth of the way through this year's read through) the more I realise there's so much to it I'm yet to grasp.  There is much I will spend my life time discovering about context, intention, style, purpose, depth, reference and so forth and then there is that undefinable edification and enthusing I ingest from reading it.  The Holy Spirit is at work in me as my eyes move across the page and my mind interprets the black shapes into words and my consciousness assigns them meaning and my heart responds...

If there are two things I feel certain about regarding the Bible it is that I will spend my life reading it's pages and discovering new things, and if I live to be a hundred years old I will never grasp even half of what God has to give through it.

Do I believe that every law written in the Pentateuch is applicable to me - a non-jewish woman living in 21st century England - no.  I'm grateful for the church fathers who in the book of Acts, chapter 15, decided that gentiles, like myself, did not first have to become Jewish (or maybe it's more accurate to say, follow the Jewish tradition in it's fullest) to be saved.  That was a pretty big deal.  Equally, I don't want to write off the law, as I know there is much to learn from it.  As I re-read God's interaction with Moses on Sinai (Exodus 19 onward) I'm struck by how the heart and purpose of the laws they were given pointed to compassion, mercy, justice, freedom, purity and dignity for the former hereditary slaves who now find themselves a free people.  I have much to learn, but with Jesus and the Holy Spirit as my guide I look forward to learning it.

I went and ordered AJ Jacob's book pretty much straight after watching his video.  Should make for a rather interesting read.  If you haven't read the Bible I thoroughly recommend it.  It may require something of you - but it's well worth the journey.

Fasting & Feasting, Celebration & Control

After a holiday week of feasting I'm making a concerted effort to eat well and avoid snacking.  Unfortunately not all of me has gotten the memo.  My tummy's acting like a petulant toddler throwing noisy fits when it doesn't get it's way.  "Feed me!" it gurgles... "With lovely carbohydraty goodness!"  When you're sitting in front of a laptop in your living room, with the fridge in eye shot, it takes some concentration to remind it who's boss.  

Being hungry does make me think about the journey I've been on in the last year...  Before I explain indulge me as I give you some context...

I am blessed to say that aside from the odd pang of envy or sigh of longing I'm generally happy with my body and how I look.  I believe women should be healthy, fit and celebrate what God has given them with confidence, modesty and creativity.  I despise dieting culture.  Why should everyone be a size zero?  If that is how God made you, and how your metabolism works, and you're happy and healthy - more power to ya sister.  But, if you have to starve yourself to get there I have to ask, 'Why?"  Popular concepts of the perfect womanly shape change with surprising speed throughout history (even throughout the last century).  Why try to fit a mould?  Why not embrace what you have and make it the best it can be?  In addition to such thoughts I love food: the many flavours, textures and combinations we can explore.  I love that it is an excellent catalyst for social situations and (yes) a comfort when the world seems bleak.  Sadly that last part tips me to the other side of the coin... 

I love food a little too much.  I have turned to chocolate, crisps, chips and much more when I've felt down.  It's familiar, comforting and triggers these little chemicals in my brain that make me feel good.  I love that God made food enjoyable.  It could just be fuel but instead it can be sensational.  I gradually realised over the last year or so that my love of that gift had tipped into something unhealthy... unhealthy for my body and my mind.  

Just over a year ago I reached the day when I had to buy a size up in jeans.  I decided to check how much I weigh.  As numbers appeared on our electronic scales I was shocked.  I was a good 2 stone heavier than I was when I considered myself healthy and fit.  I was a stone and a half heavier than my BMI range recommends.  It was a bit of a wake up call, "maybe I should reign it in?"  

That turned out to be harder than I expected.  In truth, what I eat isn't particularly unhealthy, it's more the quantity and frequency that was the problem. The more I started to try and change my habits the more I realised how moody I got when I was hungry and how much of my thought was taken up by food.  I made slow, half hearted progress for about ten months.  It took a change in the way I thought to make a real difference...

'“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial." 1 Cor 10:23

The teaching of Paul on self control to the church in Corinth, was a passage that came back to mind again and again in the last year.  Is my motive to love God before myself, to treat His gift of my body and life with respect and care?  The words of Richard Foster in "The Celebration of Discipline" started to take on new meaning.  Fasting, he explains is not primarily about depriving yourself or even prayer, it is about worship and descipleship.  Is pursuing God really my first concern?

"More than any other discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us." Richard Foster

Put like that it all sounds quite serious. Yikes!  Best way for me to prove myself food wasn't in control was to get healthy.  Healthy in my weight, and healthy in my mind.  I joined weightwatchers last autumn (hang on didn't I say I hated diet culture - well honestly I don't think ww is about dieting - it's about self control and healthy balance!).  I set a goal weight somewhere in the middle of my BMI range and I set to work re-educating my body.  By Christmas I reached my goal and felt so much better.  It wasn't just that I'm fitter and my old jeans fit again, it's the knowledge that what and when I can eat isn't one of the determining factors of how good my day will be.  

I still love food.  I still feast!  Only now I can choose to feast and enjoy it rather than living in a pretty much constant state of special eating.  I've found new things I love and still eat chocolate, cake, crisps, chips and many other scrummy things... I actually think I enjoy them more now.  As my tummy grumbles reminding me that I still haven't made lunch, I think I'll probably have to be aware of this tendency throughout my life.  I always want food to be something I enjoy.  As I enjoy it, I'll thank God for it.... Right... I think I'll have some roasted butternut squash for lunch :)

Carla Harding: Lion Tamer

Lots to think about this week.  Finished the book of Job in my read-the-Bible-from-cover-to-cover-in-2011 marathon.  I have to say it left me confused.  I haven't read it in ages for precisely this reason; I'm never certain what exactly I should take from it.  Job is not a book I've really studied, only read through and it presents God and our relationship to him in some interesting ways.  I briefly chatted to my handsome and thoughtful hubby about it and we touched on plays, interpretation, suffering, the western perspective on God and what we do when He doesn't fit our current understanding.  As I read the last chapter today the thing at the forefront of my mind was that classic Mr Tumnus quote about Aslan,

"He's not a tame Lion."  

He's not a tame God.  I cannot train Him, shrink Him or demand that He fits my world view.  Maybe that's what Job and His friends partly discovered through their experience and interaction.  I don't know.  Anyone recommend any good teaching or books on Job?  I think I wanna know more...

The other thing on my mind is this brilliant video made by a friend of mine.  Those of you who frequent the 24-7 Prayer site will have seen it as this week's feature.  It's called The Ache, and though I'm no longer a University Student, His words, questions and ideas struck a chord with me.  I recommend you take a few minutes and hit play below.

I am inconsistant... my socks give me away

If there's one thing I will spend my life working on it's consistency.  I am not entirely inconsistent, I somehow never waver from feeding, watering or putting myself to sleep, but with much in my life I flit.  This year I will turn 30, and I guess it's making me reflective.  If I were to put a word to the decade of my twenties I think that word would be 'growth', hmmm maybe 'depth' or possibly 'development'. OK I don't have one word yet but you get the drift.  From 20 - 30 I had a lot of lessons to learn and many roads to travel... most led inward.  Realising that discipline makes my life better not worse was a big step.  Deciding what was good for me and deciding to pursue those things even when I suck at them was another.  Understanding that some things will take years rather than days or minutes to improve was huge.  

Mostly the last decade was about not giving up.

Not giving up reading the Bible, not giving up talking to God, not giving up mastering food and not letting food master me, not giving up learning, not giving up making new friends and opening up to old ones, not giving up on dreams, not giving up on reading, not giving up on listening, not giving up on... the list goes on, I won't bore you.

Today however - despite all my learning - my socks are taunting me.  They are holy, and not in a good way.  I have three approaches to such a problem: chuck 'em, darn 'em or ignore 'em.  With this particular pair it's time to decide and door number 3 may have been chosen one time too many. My inconsistency in dealing with this small household task is bugging me.  It's like a metaphor for the many ways I put off deciding to act.  Act about what, I'm not sure but as I know there is still much for me to find consistency and strength in, it could be many things.  I am inconsistent - my socks give me away.  End of stream of consciousness.

This may be the most beautiful thing I've seen on my MacBook screen...

Yes, the near impossible has happened - my inbox is empty.  I feel this occasion needs to be marked - it is truly momentous... surely this image corresponding with a completed to do list (a feat still out of my reach) is the perfect picture of contentment any modern girl living in a technological world could hope for.  Ah well, best to have something still to dream for...

Though this post will go live on Wednesday, I'm actually typing it on Tuesday afternoon.  The above image is the peace and tranquility that has been achieved after about four to five hours of sifting through and responding to correspondence from all over the world.  The journey was as amazing as the result.  I received emails that made me wiggle with glee from amazing people loving leprosy sufferers in the Philippines, two people planning 30 and 40 days of prayer and fasting at the same time in Sidney and Melbourne, Australia respectively, and news of a potential year of prayer in an Asian nation I probably shouldn't shout about until it's official!  There were lots of other good stuff too: emails with friends arranging tea and soup, swapping book lists with fellow book worms and responding to enquiries about 24-7 Prayer from Moldova, the USA, India, the Philippines and more.  My cyber feet are well travelled today.  I wonder where they'll take me tomorrow?

The Concept of Cool

 

I am not cool.  I never have been.  In fact for much of my life if you were to look up 'cool' in a dictionary it would be defined as the opposite of me.  In recent years I have become slightly less uncool, (particularly with the rise of geek chic and there's something about singing in a band that makes people who normally overlook you want to talk to you) but you don't have to delve far beneath the surface to realise that I am enthusiastic, positive, likable even, but definitely not cool.

This does not bother me any more.  When I was a wee lass cool seemed like everything.  It was the way to measure worth, the way to show you belonged but no matter how hard I tried I never looked right in the clothes, my quiff was never precise enough or my sporting capacity co-ordinated enough.  I learned to embrace what I am instead... alright.  

I like me.  God made me, so who am I to criticise.  Yes, I read fantasy.  It's true, I love science fiction.  I think that making dresses out of cartoon bedsheets sounds like a brilliant idea.  I would rather stay in with a few good friends for a good meal these days than go out to the pub on a Friday night and... I'm a Christian (which lets face it is not cool - pretty much every other faith kicks our but in the cool stakes... Good job cool is not what I was looking for from Jesus ;). 

When I gave up on the concept of cool though a funny thing happened.  I made more friends and I'm pretty sure I'm happier.  I have nothing against the concept of cool. I have many deeply cool friends and they are lovely people.  Cool is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong it's just this intangible concept that is often pursued but rarely grasped. I am happy to co-exist in the same universe as it but no longer hear it's tempting song.  That's it. That's all I have to say on the subject.  Stream of consciousness over.  xc

Someone to walk with...

I was surfing the blogasphere earlier this week and came across this brilliant article by my good friend Phil Togwell.  Toggers is one of the most gifted mentors I have ever seen in action and as his friend I have benefitted from his unique mixture of insight, questioning, honesty and kindness.  For the last few years Phil has had a intern shadowing him in his life and role in 24-7 Prayer.  It's a scheme that we call 'Wild Goose' (don't ask - the random name would take too long to explain) and in his blog post he gives one of the most thoughtful and  inviting explanations as to why it's good to take a year of your life to seeking God and walking with someone else involved in prayer, mission and justice through 24-7.  For a year or so now I have quite fancied having a goose/intern of my own.  Now that my partner in crime Charlotte has moved onto working elsewhere I am greatly missing the sense of camaraderie and 'we're in this together' that comes from sharing your daily life and work with someone.  I wonder if there's anyone out there who fancies a year pursuing God and looking at life alongside me?

The Simple Things

Someone I consider pretty smart has asked if there was a recording of my talk last Sunday on Trinity and Community.  My reaction to his question gave me pause for thought... I was afraid.  It's silly but I feel a self imposed pressure to be able to say something smart or original when it comes to talking about God, but time and again it's the simple things he inspires or challenges me with... grace, love, the gospel... wow I think that pretty much sums up every talk I've given in the last two years and they've been about topics ranging from judgement to truth with a lot about prayer in between.  

I love studying... learning from people with a lot more time and dedication than I, who can take complex discussions and ideas and phrase them in a way I can get my head around; in ways that I can actually see in the Bible.  I've enjoyed the challenge I've felt from God to go deeper into study and to really search for the crux of the matter for these people at this moment every time I prepare a new talk.  The sense of relief and pleasure when I feel like I've hit on it... it's like the message is so much more than my communication, it's something God is already doing, already saying and I'm just putting some words around it.  

So why do I feel afraid?  Why the pressure?  

It's an honour to get to speak about even the most commonly known and simple things about our mysterious, majestic, unknowable God.  It's life giving to describe the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and to contemplate what the world can become when his people follow his lead.  Maybe it's pride?  Like Paul said... if my words are simple but impact people I can take no credit; only point to God as working through them.  Hmmm... if it's my lot, to only speak simply, for the rest of my life.  To be unimpressive and at times probably quite obvious, then I am still in.  Even the simplest things about the Father, Son and Spirit are engrossing when my mind is switched on and my heart is ready to be moved... cx 

Starting/Re-starting...

 

I miss writing.  Over the last year the time and creative energy I used to funnel into this place I call my online home was sapped, squeezed, redirected... I miss you blog.  I'm sorry I have abandoned you. 

I thought seriously recently about shutting it down.  I'm a changeable person and frequently move from one thing to the next when something loses it's sparkle... it's allure... but I can't bring myself to do it.  A recent commenter found an old post about an Imogen Heap gig Steve and I took in a few years ago.  As I scanned back through what I had written I realised that I've lost something I want to retrieve.  I used to look at the world through a different lens.  It wasn't a wiser or necessarily more creative perspective... but it was more reflective and in the reflection more appreciative.  I liked that.

So... I'm making a start.  I'm clearing my blog debt (yes it would be amazing to talk about my incredible time in South Africa but you can read about it here), I'm wiping the slate clean, starting/re-starting from today.  No more crippling mental pressure to cover all the potential topics I've breezed passed in the last few months.  A new day, a new assault on my keyboard, a new journey of the mind... xc

Forking Paths...

 

Have you ever considered the possibility of an alternate universe?  There’s an interpretation or theory of quantum mechanics that simply put suggests there is a potentially infinite number of worlds where every choice we could have made is being played out.  Places where our lives have spun off in a different direction because we chose to speak instead of remain silent, to say yes rather than no or to turn right rather than left.  Much modern day fiction is fascinated by the notion with TV programmes like Fringe and films like Sliding Doors or more recently Star Trek exploring the impact of choice on the formation of our future.  

Being a big science fiction fan I have spent some time musing about where I could have found myself if I’d gone a different way.  Who would I be if I had not chosen to go to the University of Chichester in 1999?  What would I be like if I hadn’t let my friend convince me to join her for an hour of prayer in a scruffy little room in the back of my new church?  When I consider the major milestones of my life that sent my life ricocheting off in a new direction… those few hours in autumn 1999 jostle with only a few others for the top spots on my list.  The ten years that have followed my first crash course in intimate, sincere, persevering prayer in the first 24-7 Prayer Room have most certainly been interesting. 

How many people get to hear about a cancerous tumour turning to scar tissue in Scotland? Or Churches planted on Ugandan islands after God sends his people out from prayer to see 50 saved?  I’ll never forget the first photos I received of a dedicated 24-7 prayer hut being built out of inner tubes, bamboo and palm branched in Papua New Guinea, or the photos of heart breaking prayers written in a school in the UK.

A thousand smells, sights and sounds… they’re what fill my mind when I reflect on the last ten years of 24-7 Prayer.  My first look at walls and floors of the first ever 24-7 room covered in hundreds of different prayers scrawled there by many different hands.  The salty, tangy smell of the streets of Ibiza, where I got a crash course in taking prayer out of the safety of Christian community.    The sound of gasps and woops of my friends as the guy who came to the prayer room to make a documentary about 24-7 asks to give his life to God.  Each of these precious moments can be so easily forgotten. But I never want to forget… 

My faith has been shaped by a thousand conversations, by hundreds of prayer hours, by dozens of 24-7 Prayer gatherings.  Walking with this community, having the opportunity to be such a small part of this movement of God has changed the course of my life.  I am grateful for that…

Paper, Fabric, Thoughts & Prayers

I said goodbye to my latest journal this morning.  The final page took me by surprise... my habit of taking random notes on the back pages always leads me to overestimate the space I have left.  It's just paper, fabric, thoughts and prayers but this particular journal has gone everywhere with me through the last six months of my life.  

They've been important months, I can track the progress of my study, my prayer and even my character through it's pages.  As I reluctantly took it out of my bag to transport upstairs to my ever growing archive, I opened the first page to read where I began... the answer... I began with 'presence'.  I flicked through the book and down a totally different avenue I got to 'presence' again.   Without needing to look at the final, fresh pages I know that 'presence' is where I still am.  I've been surprisingly ignorant to my six month theme.  God has been practically shouting at me about being aware.

This is what I love about journals.  I wouldn't want mine to be read by anyone but very close friends and I doubt they would make much sense even to them.  I've developed a kind of short hand in my scribblings and drawings that represent common topics and prayers.  Their value lies not in what is actually written or recorded but in what they represent.  I'm usually excited to say goodbye to one journal and start the adventure of fresh pages in another, but this time I feel it has come all too soon.  As I sit poised with my fountain pen over the first new page I am uncertain how to begin... xc

Wants and Needs

I’ve been conducting a little experiment recently.  I set myself the challenge to refrain from purchasing something until I have completely exhausted what I already own.  ‘Well isn’t that obvious?’ you may ask, but sadly I’ve observed that there are many areas of my life where I create waste for very dubious reasons.

Let me paint you a picture…

Most months, as my Tesco home delivery arrives I sift through the fridge throwing away any out of date goods.  This monthly ritual often leaves me with a great sense of guilt as meats, and sauces I had intended to consume were left to decay, forgotten on the top shelf.  This January I decided to try to buy less but use it all.  My grocery bill went down and it’s required a little creativity on my part but as I enter the last week of the month my fridge and freezer are almost empty.  There are just a few meals left to carry us through to the next online harvest.  It feels really good…

Before Christmas Steve and I replaced our kitchen (it’s so pretty).  With the expense that accompanies such a project, combined with the generosity of the season I knew now wasn’t the time for spending money we didn’t need to…

Why is it always this moment that you run out of your favourite moisturiser? 

And your favourite mascara. 

And your favourite eye cream. 

Ok so I may be a little too pre-occupied with cleansing, toning and moisturising (my dressing table could be mistaken for an apothecary).  Over the years I’ve bought or been given freebies of toiletries that I haven’t loved the feel of quite so much as my favourite brand, and as a result I now have a drawer that needs to be opened with care because of numerous are the creams, lotions and tanners.   As I pondered whether I could replace my favourite moisturiser I felt challenged to open my drawer and count the number of started and discarded pots of said cream that I had stored away… I won’t share my shame but in summary I have not gone shopping.  Slowly but surely I have been making my way through the various products I would normally shun and guess what… my skin is fine.  Brand choice truly is a luxury.  I’ve banned myself from the Body Shop until I’ve used them all and the day they are finished and my drawer is considerably lighter I will enter with joy to buy exactly what I want knowing it is also something that I need.

Exercising self-control in these two small areas of my life has left me feeling lighter.  As my consumption lessens my heart lightens.  How could I waste so much for so long?  I’m sure there are many other areas I’m blind to waste and still have a lot to learn, but for now I’ve found one small step into contentment is to realise and fully take advantage of what I already have… 

Loves of the Last Year #2: The DeLoreans

 

When Nathan Evans asked me if I’d be interested in singing in a covers band I have to confess I was uncertain. I’d not performed since my degree in Dance and I hadn’t sung to any significant level in many years. Would I cut the mustard or would I quietly exit stage left to be replaced by someone more experienced…

The DeLoreans is one of the most creative answers to prayer I think God has ever pulled out of the bag. In January 2007 Steve and I were looking for new ways to earn a little more so we could both continue to pursue the careers we loved, rather than the careers that guaranteed to pay the bills. When we accepted the invitation to try out as the lead vocalist and keyboard player a new adventure began.

The band has been a great source of joy for the last three years… an exciting holiday from responsibility and computer screens into a world of heavy gear, fast food, new friendships, stretching my vocal range, rapping and buying pretty costumes (amazing how many purchases you can wangle under that category. ;)

Being a functions band there’s something really amazing about being present at so many significant events in the lives of strangers. We’ve been a part of Wedding’s Birthdays and coming of age moments. We’ve assisted the celebration of life, Christmas and the raising of money for worthy causes. Each gig has been unique and I’ve felt very privileged to entertain so many.

In the last year or so The DeLoreans family has expanded from just Nath, Steve, Rees, Jim and I to include Ed (trumpet), Mark (Sax), Tom (2nd Guitar & Bass) and Ali (2nd Bass) when they’re around to help us out. Getting to know each one has been a delight, I truly couldn’t pick a better bunch to spend a lot of time waiting around with. As I look ahead to the year to come - my gosh it’s filling fast! Looks like the DeLoreans are going strong into our forth year and though I cannot reveal details yet, there is a strong possibility that we may be supporting a big act in front of maybe 10,000 people some time in Spring…

Hmm if it comes together I wonder if it would justify a new dress (only joking Steve… well only half joking).

Jim Elliot our lovely guitarist put his media degree to good use for us over Christmas and put together this day in the life video. Hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed living it.

Fringes and Friends

Last night as we revealed the Krispy Kreme donuts I'd picked up in London and I looked at the glee on Itzi's face and the curiosity on Sun's I think I got a glimpse of what it's like to be a family.  I'm not saying I felt like a Mum, quite frankly that would be weird they're only a few years younger than me, but I do feel very protective of our ladies and love treating them after a hard day of important exams.  We are very fortunate to have such lovely lodgers and I keep throwing up prayers that they do as well as they hope in their English assessments.

The last week has been full of moments like these.  It's not been a particularly notable string of days... work, more work, singing, eating, laughing, catching films, more eating this time with friends, work, praying, thinking, praying some more, reading the Bible, wondering if I'll ever know even more than half of what there is to know about God, learning a few surprising things about myself, work, interrupted sleep, reading Inkheart for a little mental rest and siestas... Really it's been pretty uneventful but small things, tiny pleasures and miniscule pains, have peppered the days and nights.  Mostly, they've simply reminded me to be grateful.  Even the interrupted sleep - I definitely still getting more than Ruthy and Kirsten who are nursing new borns :)  Steve and I have so much.  I don't want to forget it.  

In the last year I've started keeping lists in my journal of things I'm hoping and praying for; a friend to be healed, another to know how much Jesus loves them, provision for this or that, my leaders, my community, my husband and his business... important things, big and small that I've asked God to intervene in.  Many things on the many list have had some sort of movement or conclusion and there are days I've had to remind myself to fill the pages of my journal with as many notes on the blessings and answers than all the new needs I can think of.  Though I'm not as good at remembering to write those down, I think gratitude might be the key to my contentment...

So today I am thankful for my new fringe, my household and how well we all live together, that I can learn something new each day, that I get to be part of 24-7 Prayer and that soon I'll be taking off to Amsterdam to see some good friends... xc

Education, That's What You Need...

It's been seven years since I graduated from formal education.  That shocks me. How can it have been so long since I dressed in that ridiculous robe and strode onto the Chichester Festival Theatre stage for my graduation?  It feels unlikely but when I count the years the truth is plain.  I'm older than I think.  I've gained 28 years of life experience now and even though I've spent the best part of the last decade in full time employment I can't shake the academic rhythm to my year...

September always feels like a new beginning.

This September is no exception.  I had a different summer.  I spent a lot of it alone.  Steve did his usual stint at the weird and wonderful Soul Survivor, Tuti finished her time here in Chichester and Itzi took some holiday to visit her family.  I'm not a fan of solitude, but this year I enjoyed my quiet summer more than I anticipated.

I've been doing some study about what the Bible says about my being of the female persuasion and yet being a speaker in my Church community.   In fact studying the art of preaching and teaching has been my focus in general: I'm munching through the book of 1 Timothy and meeting with a few friends to listen to an audio series by John Ortberg about the skills and character of a teacher.  It's quite challenging.  I've always found the words of James intimidating "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."  Now I'm adding a few frightening one liners from Ortberg himself.  All very sobering, expecially in the light that my next talk is this Sunday.  Revelation is about to embark on 40 days of prayer and fasting as a community and this week we're gonna ruminate on John 15 and the challenge of remaining.  

All this thought and study flows quite nicely into the new term and the slow creep of autumn.  I have a lot of study to go, much to learn... 

Things that make me happy #2

Having 90something year old drummers make a cameo with The DeLoreans...

Things that make me happy #1

Steve's creative lunches...

Three is the Magic Number or The Tell Tale Signs of my inner Geek

Three names I go by: 

1. Carla

2. La 

3. T-Rex (Thank you Steve, Lisa and Adam)

Three Jobs I have had in my life:
1. Donut Jammer (when I learnt how to do this it was like finding out the truth about Santa Claus)
2. Cleaner (I'm still the fastest toilet cleaner in the west)
3. Singer

Three Places I have lived:
1. Dublin, Ireland
2. Chichester, England
3. Grendon, England

Three Favorite drinks:
1. Tea
2. Whisky
3. Wine (runners up include: elderflower cordial and anything with Tequila in)

Three TV Shows that I watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Lost
3. Bones (other favourites include: Fringe, Farscape, Deep Space Nine, 24, any BBC period drama)

Three places I have been:
1. South Africa
2. United States of America
3. Norway (though I have been blessed enough to have been many places)

People that call me regularly:
1. My Husband
2. Nathan Evans
3. Helen Monkton

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Tasty
2. Chunky
3. Potatoes

Three Things I am looking forward to:
1. Steve arriving home tomorrow
2. My Birthday in less than a month! (Oh my gosh I'll be 28!)
3. The day I finally get to be a Bridesmaid (No pressure Lisa;)

Three Things that are always by your side:
1. Glasses (although more often on my face than by my side!)
2. iPhone
3. Journal & Fountain Pen

Three Things that always cheer you up:

1. Friends

2. Being told I'm loved

3. A beautiful vista

Three People who inspire me:

1. My parents (they're married so they count as one!)

2. Susanna Rychiger (I want to be like her when I grow up)

3. Tom Wright (the super smart Bishop/theologian)

Doodles, Scribbles and Scrawl

Doesn't this photo just make you smile?  It's one of my favourites from a Prayer Room we ran in our local Cathedral.  Sometimes simple is powerful.  This kid draws better than me...  I wish I could draw well.  Recently I've moved from articulating my thoughts through conversation and writing, to trying to draw what I want to express.  The problem is I suck at it.  I'm not even being modest - I'm totally rubbish.  One friend who glanced at my open journal recently thought my drawing of a baby in the womb was a pretzel! (Before I get a dozen emails I'm not preggers, just praying for our many friends who are - sorry Dad)... It doesn't really matter when I'm drawing my prayers in my journal.  I know God's not grading me and He gets my meaning, besides I don't mind amusing Him with my serious lack of talent.

I've just wrapped up my to-do list for today and settled down to write to you lovely cyber-folks.  As I considered what image I'd open with the thought 'I feel like drawing today's blog' popped into my head.  Wouldn't that be cool?  If I could actually make good on that thought I'd want one of those laptops that Phil Anderson and Joe Steinke have where you draw straight onto the screen and then I'd communicate to you visually in lines, shade and shape. Alas it's not to be.  I'll keep my scrawl between God and I... xc 

Thanks for the memories...

Things I’m thankful for from a great ’08: my husband, my family (especially siblings in blood and law), my home (and the people who live within it), my friends (especially my cymbrogi – you know who you are), my community, my God (He really should have come a lot higher on the list), my brain and body, the ability to grow, the prayers I’ve seen answers to, the dreams I’m living out, the movement I am part of…

Actually the last one is an understatement.  I could make a list of things I’m grateful for just in 24-7 Prayer… hmm I’m going to… I am grateful that I get to encourage people, see lives changed, do something worth living for, work alongside such inspiring people, have such satisfaction in my work, be part of something big, see God change lives, hear about answers to prayer and see where Jesus takes people…

Prayer is a tough thing to quantify and its importance is difficult to justify, especially if you don’t believe there’s anyone listening to you, but I honestly believe I could not be doing anything more important. I think I was made for this: encouraging people to talk to Jesus and then to do whatever He tells them too. The thousand or so groups who did that last year saw people find out who Jesus is, illness and injuries healed, hearts made whole and hurts soothed. Many were infected with a need to help people, for no other reason than love...  My lovely friend Pete Greig wrote a brilliant summary of what an amazing year 2008 was for the prayer movement. You really should read it; it’ll make you smile.  No-one can turn down a smile.  His fantastic report is accompanied by a chance for everyone to give to the work of 24-7.  God has been awesome and really looked after us during this credit crunch and when it has been tough the 24-7 infrastructure is lean and able to adapt.  It's weird but as the economy of our nation has taken a downturn I don't think I've had more faith for provision for my family, church and 24-7 Prayer.  God hasn't left us trying desperately to tread water: He's given Steve and I opportunities to earn the money we need, He's helped the Revs community reach a big goal and 24-7 is growing and spreading continuously.  If you wanna be part of something amazing in 2009 please consider giving up a few coffees or cinema trips and give to 24-7 Prayer.  Click on this shiny button to find out how.

A Hungry Season

I can't even conceive of a hungry season... This morning I embarked on my weekly ritual of sifting through the blogs of people I love around the world, I only made it through a few before I had to come back here and had to write something.  The Borden family and Lisa in particular really inspire me with the choices they make, the way they live their life in Africa and the ease and joy with which they do it.  Lisa is a strong contender for my favourite blogger because her thoughts are always challenging and so beautifully written. 

Today I read this post about her recent trek through the Loita Hills.  As I read one line amidst many in the telling of their adventures I got stuck...  "During our time there last week, we visited in homes and listened to the struggles of families who are dealing with a hungry season. These are difficult days for our friends."  What is a hungry season?  It's got to be longer than a day or a week.  How much time does it take until you can call something a season?  This morning, the pray-as-you-go Podcast I listened to talked about thirsting for God like you thirst in a desert.  As I wrote in my journal I thought, 'I really don't know what it's like to thirst'.  If I'm hungry I go to my kitchen within an hour or so of feeling the pangs. If I'm out I take money out of my bank account and buy food.  If there's no money Mr Visa lends me some.  I am never in a situation where food and drink is out of my reach.

Steve and I have cut back big time on our food bill at the moment.  It's part of an effort to save some cash and pay off a credit card that built up before Christmas.  It's not an emergency, more an exercise in consequences and making sure we're debt free (ignoring our giant mortgage).  When we went through and trimmed our budget giving up luxuries like exercise classes, subscriptions to book clubs and takeaways (Massala Gate - we will return to sample your tender curries!) it felt like a big deal.  We can actually feel the sacrifices we're making and having to adjust our habits.  I felt quite proud about it until I read Lisa's post and contemplated the meaning of her words. The reality of the change to our grocery bill is switching from organic meat to frozen cheap stuff. Exotic fruit and veg to cheaper staples. Brands to own-brands. Pathetic really... we still eat and a lot.  We'll be dining on far from basic food, our cupboards bursting with variety while Lisa's friends live hungry.  

I know I can't change where I was born, and I am very grateful for all God has given us, but I am humbled today when I put our slight tightening of the belt next to 93% of our fellow men to whom I am rich beyond measure... xc

Days that stand out...

I want to remember today... it's not an anniversary, we've not done anything particularly special, but there's been something about it I have relished.  Many moments of contentment.  It's been a busy week for Steve; he's had a band and a singer in the studio and mostly worked ten hour days.  He's done well especially fighting the early grog of a cold.  I've barely seen him really so maybe that's why today was so lovely.  We got up when we woke up, ate a half English (forgot to defrost the Sausages and we ran out of baked beans!!), got ready at a very slow and purposeless pace, read books on opposite sofas, ate a slow lunch with Fumino, caught a film at the cinema and we just polished of dinner with Fumino and Itzi... It was on my way back from the film that the realisation of how great this day is struck me.  I love this day.  Soon it will come to an end.  I'll put on my jammies and fall asleep and when I wake tomorrow might not be like this one.  We may not have the same time to talk about things we don't need to, or move without urgency.  It may have it's own moments but it won't be today... xc

Closing the book...

As I took a Prit Stick to my journal this afternoon, adding my most recent cinema stubs and the emails I wanted to keep, I realised that I’m fast approaching the end of this particular incarnation of my written thoughts and prayers.  I’m actually sad to finish this one. As I flicked back through the pages I laughed at my terrible drawing, paused over a few prayers and acknowledged that I’ve hit a new stride with journaling in the last few months.  My thoughts and prayers have gone a little deeper.  My mind wandering in thoughtful conversation just a little further.  Normally a new journal is an exciting affair, I write very neatly and wonder what will fill the coming pages, but this time I’ll be sad to relegate this particularly tatty but loved journal to my book shelf… xc 

No Slave to Fear Here...

I noticed something trivial at the weekend.  I am no longer afraid of Spiders or Horses.  Big whoop you might think but actually this is a drastic change from my rather pathetically fearful teenage state.  I couldn't be in the same room with a spider, they totally freaked me out (watching Aracnaphobia was probably not my brightest move).  I would scream, shake and generally look like an idiot if I saw one.  Now I don't know if I want to pick one up but the other day a pretty big Mr Spider and I agreed to share my bathroom quite amicably.  He had really gross long legs and those pincer looking things and everything... 

On my New Year's Day walk two riders crossed our path on two small but lovely horses.  I used to be so afraid of them after a rather unfortunate kicking me down and jumping over me incident that I made horses skittish around me.  I get scared - they get jumpy - I think they're about to attack - etc. etc.  It was a vicious circle.  This one (I think his name was grubby or grotty or something) came right on up and said hello.  It felt like a triumph.  I wasn't scared at all, I could stroke him and have a little chat and felt nothing but enjoyment for one of God's most noble creatures.  I haven't been purposely conquering my fears, I think I've just grown out of them.  At this rate I should be able to eat raisans by the time I'm 35.  On second thoughts maybe not... I'm not afraid of them I just think they're from Satan.  Can't see that changing any time soon.  xc

Dolce Jesus Mio

The sun is streaming through the window this morning.  As I travel the track from Chichester to London I’ve watched the strong, bright, autumn sun burn the mist from the fields and light the faces of my fellow commuters.  Charlotte isn’t with me today, she’s home in bed not feeling her best (get well lovely – miss you) so I travel alone.  I am not good in the mornings.  Generally I am slow, clumsy and quite dim until about 10am.  My morning train journey is a pleasure.  Though it means I do have to leave my warm bed earlier than I’d prefer, it also gives me an hour and a half to open my mind and move up the gears.  This morning as I got on I plugged in my iPhone and listened to the Jesuit Pray As You Go Podcast.  The music this morning was absolutely beautiful… Dolce Jesus Mio… Sweet Jesus, have mercy on me… It started me thinking, as I listened to the reading from Luke I thought the most grateful people in the gospels are the people who know what Jesus saved them from. 

I used to practice daily confession, daily examination of my actions, regularly saying sorry to God and starting afresh.  “Search me Oh Lord…” and the following lines in Psalm 139 were some of the first verses of the Bible I learnt by heart.  I stopped this practice when my prayers took a bitter turn and rather than my confession ending in gratitude I would get caught by my own shame.  I haven’t stopped saying sorry.  I just stopped making a specific time for it.  As I listened to the song and reading on my podcast though I started to think that maybe I’ve turned a corner and it’s time to return to that practice.  Not because I want to feel bad, but because I want to know how good Jesus is.  I read something recently that’s feeding this thought – my memory is so poor I can’t remember which of the four books I’ve been reading it came from.  No matter, the essence of it was… without judgement we cannot be shown mercy… we don’t know we need rescue if we don’t recognise we’re in trouble…  Examination and confession breeds many things in me: gratitude, love, humility and maybe most importantly grace for other people’s mistakes.  Change is bursting forth in the colourful landscape outside my window; I hope my change is as beautiful… xc

The Words I Read

Yesterday’s insecure cyber-burp in reaction to a top ten list got me thinking and researching.  It's turns out the list was made using a technorati rating which basically puts a value on your influence throughout the web based on how many other blog link back to yours.  I think the 24-7 community gives me an unfair advantage.  I have a bookmark folder of approximately twenty something blogs that I check in on about once a week almost all of them I've found through 24-7 Prayer's global connection.  Some of the authors I know well but live nowhere near.  Others intrigue me and I want to read their thoughts and know them better.  A few blogs in particular rose to mind as highlights in my surfing and I thought I’d share them with you.  In no particular order here are few blogs I love and revisit:

Let’s Put the Kettle On

Lisa Borden’s writing is beautiful and heart warming.  I defy you not to want to fly to Tanzania and chat with Lisa over a cup of tea after reading just one post.

Mr Ibiza

Brian Heasley is humourous, compassionate and thought provoking.  If you write Brian off as simply entertaining and passionate you’ll be brought up short by his wrestle with big questions and challenging experiences.

Toggie Tales

Phil Togwell is the most exploratory thinker I know. I like reading his thoughts on the latest thing he’s chewing on as much as I love reading about life with Megan, Poppy, Angel and Emma.

The Welsh Friar

I consider asking Dan if I can post nearly every one of his blog posts on the 24-7 international website.  My eagerness to promote writers from different nations often stops me but this is a compliment to Dan’s thoughts and clear writing style.

Is This Biblical?

Andy Freeman is blogging again!  Hurrah!  Andy is one of the most interesting, passionate and political people I know and I welcome his rants and raves back to the Internet.

I think I’d like to explore a little wider than this circle so if you have a must read URL, pop it in the comments.