OK picture the scene... Charlotte and I are looking a little wild eyed and bedraggled in our lovely rented dodge. We've been driving for eight hours across the state of Kansas and when I say it's flat I mean it's worse than East Anglia! A change in the colour of a field was an event. I think it was fair to say the conversation was waning when suddenly we hit on a topic that got us very excited... snowboarding. We are totally planning to try and learn while we're here in Bolder so we started to fantasise about how amazing (and painful) it will be when Charlotte glances up at her rear view mirror and turns pale....
Charlotte: "Oh no! It's a Police car and it's flashing us!"
Carla: "What's your speed?"
Charlotte: (looking panicked) "101mph!!!"...
I haven't felt so sick in a really long time. As we pull over and the state trooper approached the car we quickly ran through our options.
- Make a truly Thelma-and-Louise-esq decision and run for it across state.
- Flirt outrageously and play the dumb British girls not used to American Roads card.
- Just plain beg for mercy.
To make a sticky situation more embarrassing the car chose that moment to decide the electric windows wouldn't work so we looked beyond dappy.
Trooper: (In a soft drawl) "Ladies, are you aware that you were driving at 101mph in a 65mph zone?"
Charlotte: "Really? It's just so flat we just couldn't tell we were going so fast!"
Trooper: Can I see your license and registration please mam... thank you" (Trooper goes back to car to check we haven't stolen our rental)
Carla: (Turning to Charlotte) "What's the worst he can do? Fine us?"
Charlotte: (Getting paler by the second) "It depends, in England over 100 you automatically lose your license..."
The car is silent as the possibility of being stranded between Kansas and Colorado sinks in. I was not relishing the thought of ringing Pete and asking him to drive eight hours to come get us...
Carla: (Looking penitent) "God... I know that going 101mph is really really wrong and that we totally deserve to be punished for it but if at all possible could Charlotte not lose her license and there by strand us in the middle of now where please." (The two of us dissolve into nervous giggles as the trooper comes back...)
Trooper: "What are you two doing in Kansas?"
Carla: "Visiting friends in Kansas City and Bolder." (I have my best sucking up smile on my face...)
Trooper: "And speeding, you forgot to mention your also speeding."
Trooper: (Directed at Charlotte) "Which number is your license number on this." (Looks baffled at English license...)
Charlotte: "The really long one." (Trooper grumbles) "You don't have to write it if it doesn't fit on the piece of paper." (The Trooper frowns as I make covert throat cutting gestures in Charlotte's direction.)
Trooper: "You were driving at 101mph, I'd lose my job if I let you off... So how tall are you?"
Carla: "5,7"
Charlotte: (In a really offended voice) "5,8!"
Trooper: "How much do you weigh?"
Charlotte: (Nearly swallowing her tongue) "I beg your pardon!"
Trooper: "I don't mean to be rude mam I just need to write it down..."
Charlotte: (I have been asked to censor the quantity, a lady has a right to her privacy...)
"*stone"
Trooper: "Your stoned!"
Charlotte: "NO! Stone, the weight measurement!"
Trooper: "I've never heard of that, how many pounds?"
Charlotte: "I have no idea..."
Trooper: "I recon your about 120."
Charlotte: (Not sure whether she should be mad or not) "Is that good or bad?"
At that moment quite frankly the whole thing went blurry because the Trooper ignored Charlotte's question and handed us our speeding fine... $255.00!!! We were speechless! Suddenly our budget holiday is looking distinctly less cheap! No amount of sucking up and flirting would make him take it back. I'm thoroughly disappointed, well I guess I did admit to God that we deserved to be punished, and Charlotte hasn't lost her license or gained any points.
Hmmm, if you're laughing now then just remember, he who is without sin can cast the first stone. We've set up the Thelma & Louise trust for unfortunate free spirits, perhaps you should make a donation to make amends for taking pleasure in our suffering. Cheques made payable to Miss Carla Trundle.