I've spent the last week rushing to finish the 7th book in the Wheel of Time series so I could start and give my full attention to Pete's latest book The Vision & The Vow. I've been anticipating reading this for probably about a year and getting hold of a copy has coincided with growing hunger for something more...
I've been disappointed in myself, in my respect for God, in my love for Jesus, in my understanding of the Bible, in the compromises I make. 2004 was a year of seeking God in a dry place. I made steps forward, my Father was gracious. The further I step with him the more I hunger. I want to not doubt that when I stand before my Lord that I will hear "Well done my good and faithful servant". I want to learn to love truly, serve in reality; not just talk a good game.
Last night, before cell, I was talking to a friend. What she was expressing was quite similar and as I we were talking I bit back all the 'correct' answers and realised that I was asking myself similar questions... Am I really living for God? Do I know what it means to be in love with Jesus, to have a real relationship with him? Kind of a coming back to the root, to the source, putting aside the trappings and refocusing on the one who motivates.
I practically dove into bed after cell to start the book and as I read I was really challenged. A couple of chapters into the second part of the book (The Vow) Pete took me through a meditation on Jesus and how much we love him... I was floored. I read with tears damping my pillow and felt something in meet start to come alive with honesty. At about 1.30am I got out of bed and knelt on the floor to talk to Jesus. In weakness I want to learn, to be shaped, to be changed, to move forward, to fall in love...
This morning I opened Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest and the title for today was intimacy with Jesus...
" Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me?" John 14:9