Inspired by the end of my second journal I flicked back through the few diaries I kept in my younger years. When I moved house recently found three diaries I had completely forgot I'd written. It turns out that I have no original thoughts, just have a really bad memory and therefore feel like I'm having new ideas all the time...
I am very glad that I am no longer 12, I was a scary twelve year old. Every page is full of my obsession with a guy called Phillip Elly; I boardered on stalker. No wonder I only had my first relationship in my twenties. It took me that long to get less desperate!
It was quite funny reading my thought patterns and desires as a young girl. God didn't really factor very much until my late teens. Friends, guys, family and adventures fill my pages with entries recording landmark occasions; the day I became a woman (in my eyes), my first all night sleep over with a group of friends and the first time I found out a boy fancied me being the most funny to read back.
My later diaries (2000, 2002, 2003) are pretty interesting. The voice is more recognisably me and the hopes and dreams are mine. It's interesting what I've left behind and what's stuck with me. I've always been hopeful, I've always struggled with guilt and in the last three years I think I have actually grown (it's a relief).
As I sifted through them last night I inspired Bex to hunt out her old diaries and we sat laughing and crying over the things we'd experienced. I often wonder what someone, 1,000 years from now, would think of me if they found my journals? My earlier ones would probably make them think I was bi-polar as I only seemed to write in moments of extreme emotion.
Recently... I hope they'd think I'm more balanced but I'd be pretty embarrassed to think of them reading it. I've written all the things I do wrong in there as a way to confess to God and spot patterns of behaviour I want to break. Anyone who read my journal would probably learn some of the best and worst of me. xc