Something I've had to learn in the last year is how to argue. I'm not a walk over and I have strong opinions on things, but I've always struggled to argue in situations I'm emotionally invested in. It's strange, I could probably tare strips off Jo Bloggs in the street but the idea of getting angry with someone I care about scares me...
Within the International team I'm starting to feel confident enough to disagree with the boys, maybe a little too much, but though I often feel quite exposed in it I need to be able to do it or I'm not giving my best and my true opinion.
There are two real reasons why I dislike (ok hate) arguing, or worse still, fighting. Firstly, I like being right. I like it a lot. I guess I struggle a lot with pride and like Father like Daughter I hate being proved wrong. Traditionally I don't respond in the heat of a moment (odd for an extravert, common for a passive aggressive) but only come back to someone when I'm sure I've put together a fool proof argument that 100% proves they are wrong, if I can't I swallow it and move on.
Pretty pathetic I know. The second reason I struggle to fight is I invest emotion into everything I do. I don't debate objectively, I throw myself into the emotion and conviction of what I want and feel really exposed in the process, especially if I don't communicate as I want to. There's nothing worse than feeling something very strongly but finding it hard to construct a rational argument that explains my frustration to someone who doesn't function that way.
My Myers Briggs analysis kind of had me pinned on this one, I am really led by my emotions, which can be a great strength but also quite a challenge. Last night Steve and I had disagreement that lasted thee whole journey from Havant to Chichester, I won't get into it as it was pretty silly really (doesn't mean I still don't think I'm right). I sat in the car trying hard to turn my emotional reaction into a path of logic that would explain and convince the rational mind who loves arguing sitting next to me. As I grasped for words I had a sudden realisation...
I'm arguing with someone I love. I'm actually doing it, and it doesn't really matter if I win, I'm just happy that I feel safe enough to disagree. This might sound strange but it was a nice moment for me. A realisation that I'm growing and learning and getting better at stuff I suck at. A step in the right direction I hope. xc