I've been reading wise man Foster's chapter on the Prayer of Examen and mulling it over on my various journies around the south of England this week. The idea of looking inward to examine where God was in the events of my day and my conscience through each triumph and test is not a new one to me. I think growing up in a nominally Catholic culture gave me (thankfully) a positive selfawareness and desire to reflect and refine...
As I was thinking about my character, strengths and weaknesses my greatest battle was fresh in my mind. Of all the parts of my life and personality that cause me to hurt God, my mouth is the most imfamous culprit.
I absolutely hate it and have at times agonised over why I struggle to control it. I have this random word generator that works a little faster than my mind and causes the most absurd, nonsensical and sometimes offensive things to explode from my lips. Steve thinks it's hysterical, he laughs at the inappropriate adjectives I reach for in animated conversation. I find it less amusing as I know the power of my words to affect the people I'm with, the impression it gives of my character and what it might reveal about what's really inside my heart and mind.
I would love to be more considered.
I often exagerate when expressing something, I overemphasise to be understood and I am a really good liar. I used to struggle with it regularly though thankfully that's something God's helped me with in my early 20s. I think I'm a lot better, or at least the gaps between my "sorrys" are greater.
This is not some great confession. If you know me, you've probably been present at some of my more humerous vocal blunders. It's simply a reflection and an ache to be the master of my tongue, not it's clean up crew.
I think we can blame a lot on personality typing; "I'm an extravert... I'm processing externally... Don't listen to my words, try to glean what I'm actually saying from the overall picture". And though some personality stuff makes a lot of sense I don't want to ever use it to excuse hurting the person I love the most and to whom I owe everything.