After a holiday week of feasting I'm making a concerted effort to eat well and avoid snacking. Unfortunately not all of me has gotten the memo. My tummy's acting like a petulant toddler throwing noisy fits when it doesn't get it's way. "Feed me!" it gurgles... "With lovely carbohydraty goodness!" When you're sitting in front of a laptop in your living room, with the fridge in eye shot, it takes some concentration to remind it who's boss.
Being hungry does make me think about the journey I've been on in the last year... Before I explain indulge me as I give you some context...
I am blessed to say that aside from the odd pang of envy or sigh of longing I'm generally happy with my body and how I look. I believe women should be healthy, fit and celebrate what God has given them with confidence, modesty and creativity. I despise dieting culture. Why should everyone be a size zero? If that is how God made you, and how your metabolism works, and you're happy and healthy - more power to ya sister. But, if you have to starve yourself to get there I have to ask, 'Why?" Popular concepts of the perfect womanly shape change with surprising speed throughout history (even throughout the last century). Why try to fit a mould? Why not embrace what you have and make it the best it can be? In addition to such thoughts I love food: the many flavours, textures and combinations we can explore. I love that it is an excellent catalyst for social situations and (yes) a comfort when the world seems bleak. Sadly that last part tips me to the other side of the coin...
I love food a little too much. I have turned to chocolate, crisps, chips and much more when I've felt down. It's familiar, comforting and triggers these little chemicals in my brain that make me feel good. I love that God made food enjoyable. It could just be fuel but instead it can be sensational. I gradually realised over the last year or so that my love of that gift had tipped into something unhealthy... unhealthy for my body and my mind.
Just over a year ago I reached the day when I had to buy a size up in jeans. I decided to check how much I weigh. As numbers appeared on our electronic scales I was shocked. I was a good 2 stone heavier than I was when I considered myself healthy and fit. I was a stone and a half heavier than my BMI range recommends. It was a bit of a wake up call, "maybe I should reign it in?"
That turned out to be harder than I expected. In truth, what I eat isn't particularly unhealthy, it's more the quantity and frequency that was the problem. The more I started to try and change my habits the more I realised how moody I got when I was hungry and how much of my thought was taken up by food. I made slow, half hearted progress for about ten months. It took a change in the way I thought to make a real difference...
'“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial." 1 Cor 10:23
The teaching of Paul on self control to the church in Corinth, was a passage that came back to mind again and again in the last year. Is my motive to love God before myself, to treat His gift of my body and life with respect and care? The words of Richard Foster in "The Celebration of Discipline" started to take on new meaning. Fasting, he explains is not primarily about depriving yourself or even prayer, it is about worship and descipleship. Is pursuing God really my first concern?
"More than any other discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us." Richard Foster
Put like that it all sounds quite serious. Yikes! Best way for me to prove myself food wasn't in control was to get healthy. Healthy in my weight, and healthy in my mind. I joined weightwatchers last autumn (hang on didn't I say I hated diet culture - well honestly I don't think ww is about dieting - it's about self control and healthy balance!). I set a goal weight somewhere in the middle of my BMI range and I set to work re-educating my body. By Christmas I reached my goal and felt so much better. It wasn't just that I'm fitter and my old jeans fit again, it's the knowledge that what and when I can eat isn't one of the determining factors of how good my day will be.
I still love food. I still feast! Only now I can choose to feast and enjoy it rather than living in a pretty much constant state of special eating. I've found new things I love and still eat chocolate, cake, crisps, chips and many other scrummy things... I actually think I enjoy them more now. As my tummy grumbles reminding me that I still haven't made lunch, I think I'll probably have to be aware of this tendency throughout my life. I always want food to be something I enjoy. As I enjoy it, I'll thank God for it.... Right... I think I'll have some roasted butternut squash for lunch :)
